Bereavement


Loss is an interesting thing....I know he was a dog, but I never thought that it would affect me like this...he just went to sleep..so peaceful.

See, It's like this...Bruno had reached the point where he was having periods of lucidity, and periods where he would look at us, my wife and I...and Bear for that matter, and wouldn't recognize us. He would growl, or bark or even snap at us...Things that I had done hundreds of times prior, such as place his pillow down for him, scratch his ears, or even place his water dish down for him...drew a growl or sharp bark.

Last Monday, he nipped at my wife...I knew it wasn't his fault, this damn disease was eating him alive..I scolded him, lightly..my wife was OK..but I was worrying..

She told me he'd been fighting and snapping at Bear...I started to notice that he was having periods of staring...looking at me like he didn't know me...his ears would fold back..even his lips would curl...Then I'd speak to him..a little song I'd made up about his name..and he'd wag his tail...and it was Bruno.

Then Saturday night, I got his pillow and placed it down for him. Patted it..and he snapped at me. The way he looked..it wasn't Bruno. I said "NO!" Sharply...he backed down...I let him sniff my hand, his tail wagged, it was Bruno again.

I didn't sleep well.

Sunday morning...We were having coffee, I tried to feed him, he wouldn't eat..hadn't eaten all week....I scratched his ears, said its OK...eat when you can...my wife walked over to him, said "here Bruno, let me clean your eyes"...something she'd done a hundred times before...What happened next, wasn't Bruno..he bit my wife's hand..drew blood...

It wasn't Bruno...the look in his eyes..he didn't know who I was....fifteen minutes later, he was wagging his tail...like nothing happened...it was Bruno.

I helped my wife tend to her hand.
I had a decision to make.
The one I didn't want to.
But I had to think of my wife..what if he has a moment like this and I'm not here...or what if it does happen and he doesn't come back? how would I stop him then?
only way I know how...

On Sunday, March 25Th, I took my boy to the Vets....and did what I had to do...and I feel terrible about it.
It wasn't his fault. This damn disease was eating him alive...he weighed 82 pounds...in three months..he went from 139 pounds to 82! Most of that from December to January.
He went to sleep in my lap...he just went to sleep..and I held him and I cried. I cried because I was losing my boy..my friend, my Bruno....

Today, I received a sympathy card from the Veterinarian that helped me..I didn't expect that. It was very nice.

I still feel like shit..partly because my sinuses are acting up...but mostly because of what I did...I know what I did was the right thing..so everyone tells me...doesn't make me feel better..

Just something I'll have to deal with.

Goodbye Bruno.

Bruno...June 18, 2000-March 25, 2007
He was my friend...
He was my boy....
He was Bruno...
He will be with me, always.
Go with the Wolf Spirit....

YA KNOW IT'S MONDAY.....



When you had a nice relaxing weekend, and you wake up to a phone call...and its the wife, and she tells you..."Guess what.."

Yeah, that was the beginning of my fucking day. GUESS WHAT?

Me: (half dead) "Wha? Who...?"
Wife: "It's me...you awake?"
Me: "Yeah..(half truth), What's up?"
At this point I'm figuring there's a problem with the car...or she's calling me to tell me her sister is coming to stay for a week ...something she would have waited to tell me after she left..why? just to because, I was sleeping and it seemed like a good idea at the time..

Wife: "You're gonna kill me...I took your phone."
Me: (looking at the clock..I still have 45 minutes before I have to get up..) "OK..just turn it off and put it in your purse. That way no one will bother you if it rings. If I have to call you I can use the common phone at work.."

Wife: "OK..I won't answer it anyway..only one who calls you is Ryan..."
Me: Yeah, and the damn mortgage lenders..that's why I say turn it off..that way you're not bothered..and if Ryan calls you can answer it and give him a heart attack...(long story)."

Wife: Laughing "ok...bye..did I wake you?"
Me: "Yes...but you knew that..."


OK..so I go back to bed for 45 minutes..YES I GOT MY 45 minutes! Got up, showered..got dressed, got the dogs fed..well one of them..Bruno's not eating again...tried to get him to eat something..got my coffee...checked my emails..and left..running late...on the way to work I found I had forgotten my lunch..would have turned around to go get it and could have called and said I was running late, but one problem...NO PHONE!

So I go to work..walk in, only to find, THEY MOVED MY DESK! NICE! There was no email on Thursday...nothing. I'm wondering, WHERE THE HELL DO I SIT?

I find my desk..no help from the Supervisors...all my stuff is unceremoniously dumped on it....Luckily, they had to wait for me to get into the old desk..I had the key...HAHAHAHAHAHA! BASTARDS!

OH! AND HERE'S THE KICKER...I SPEND THE NEXT 46 minutes trying to log in to computer that has a pop-up blocker assigned to the log in screen...WHO THE FUCK SETS THE POP UP BLOCKER TO THE LOG IN SCREEN?
Someone who doesn't do their fucking work, that's who!

So my day goes on..everyone I was familiar with....gone...all assigned elsewhere.
The day goes on...and I come home.

I try to talk to my wife about my day, and she's not in the mood to listen...OH, BF-FUCKING-D! I have to listen to every freaking problem that goes on in her office, I need to vent a little, I get "if you're going to bitch, go in the other room"...

FINE!

FUCK IT!

I'LL TAKE MY VENTING TO MY BLOG..I don't care...


I Still slept in.....so there...blah!

I FIND THIS VERY INTERESTING.....


I Wiki'd this and came back with the following....


Patient advocacy refers to speaking on behalf of a patient in order to protect their rights and help them obtain needed information and services. The role of patient advocate is frequently assumed by nurses, social workers, and other healthcare providers. Some hospitals, health insurance companies, and other healthcare organizations employ people specifically to assume this role.

Now, It strikes me as funny....funny strange, not funny "ha-ha".....that if someone is assuming the role of "advocacy on your behalf, you would take the time to be a bit more freaking courteous to them...Right?

And you'd think, that a person that has been on this earth for Ninety fucking years would have the common decency to be a bit more polite to someone who's trying to help them and get them their medication, RIGHT?


NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

I GET CALLED AN ASSHOLE.....

Not only today..no, all fucking week...its like someone put the bitchy pills out and these bastards OD'D on them!

I've been called about everything there is to be called by men, and women alike, some younger than I..many much more older than I am..and some older than dirt!

WHY?

Because they feel justified yelling at a disembodied voice on the phone...that's why.

But do I get mad?


no.


fuck em if they can't take a joke.

I do my job, get them their meds...and go on my merry way....

Thank god there isn't any traffic at night....

TIME..

It has a magazine named after it, songs, sonnets and poems have given voice to it.
Movies are made about, machines are built to back into, rivers ebb and flow into it, we spring forward and fall back into it...What's the big deal about it?

People are always spending time, wasting time, losing time, taking time, sharing time. They want "me" time, your time, my time, our time..time well spent, time to waste, time to go, time after time, back in time, giving time, having the time of their lives, having too much time on our hands, not enough time in the day, time flies, time bandits,time savers, time slips away...
It always seems to go by so fast when you're having fun, but drag when you're somewhere you don't want to be.


So we turn our clocks forward to lose some sleep so that we can gain some time in the long run..One of these days I'd like to catch this so-called long run everyone seems all fired up to save for...

But like the song says..."time is flowing like a river...to the sea..Where its gone, forever....gone forever....gone forever..more"

til the next time, that is....

I can't help but wonder....

Monday, I as I was fixing Bruno his meager breakfast of a few turkey slices, and when he didn't eat them..I don't know, I guess I just had enough...it was just me and the dogs, after all, but I decided that the Great Spirit and I were going to have it out!

Look, you wanna call him God, Jehovah, whatever...I call him the Great Spirit..and in my belief, I don't need a go between to talk to him...

So this is how it went...

Me: What!..What the hell do you want? He's just a dog...It's not fair...He hasn't done anything to you..to anyone! he's just a dog. You took my mother, and she believed in you...believed that you would let her go peacefully in her sleep, but no. You had to let those bastards take her piece by piece..even when she begged for release, you still had to let her hang on....not till you were good and ready!
And my mother in law! You let that disease eat her alive...And now this! HE JUST A FUCKING DOG!
WHAT DO YOU WANT? PENANCE?

FOR WHAT? FOR WHAT? I'm not doing it! I've had it!
You want to take him, fine! but do it! enough of this shit!..he's just a damn dog...
just let him go in peace....."


Well, I don't know what happened, Bruno has gotten so thin, I thought for sure I'd wake up and he was going to be gone...but Tuesday, I was making Bear's food, and Bruno wouldn't let me out of the door..he kept sniffing at the bowl.
So I said "you want this?" and I put the bowl down...and he ate it...all!

I was stunned.

he not only ate the food that morning, but he ate that night, the next morning, and evening...

I'm no fool...It may be just a spurt, but I'll wait and see...stranger things have happened.

Arms may be too short to box with the man...but my voice is loud enough to be heard.




sorry if I offended anyone.

Life and Taxes..

You know, I have been paying the taxman for twenty six years...ever since I was 19 years old..and ya know what? I haven't gotten a decent refund since those days of minimum wage!

I mean, come on...I have been getting stuck by the man ever since then...and I've always played my cards straight up...Still, no refund for Wolfie..
I get married...and its like I got penalized. We get hit every damn year. I know clowns that have claimed deductions they don't have..non-existent children and such..and have gotten back refunds...and still, Wolfie plays it fare...

Why?
Because I was raised, you don't cheat the government...

Yeah...but yet the bastards nickle and dime the hell out of me, every fucking year!
And TAX CUT? Yeah..Screw that program...they charge you 15.00 to file electronically, and then take a 2% cut off the top...SOME TAX CUT!

AND I STILL DIDN'T GET A FREAKING REFUND!

I buy a house...I can't use it till next year!

"oh, you shoulda had kids..."
WELL I DON'T HAVE ANY FREAKING KIDS!...So I should be penalized for that! is that Fair?

26 years..for 26 years they have been nickle and dimming me..taking every damn dime, and telling me.."oh mr.Wolfie...you make too much for the free program, but not enough for a refund...Sorry.."
Well guess what, Asshole, I got a house this time..and next year I'm gonna do the nickle and dimming..and I'm gonna get me a refund...And you can kiss my furry ass!

And that's my fucking two cents..




They'll probably tax that too..