Bereavement
Loss is an interesting thing....I know he was a dog, but I never thought that it would affect me like this...he just went to sleep..so peaceful.
See, It's like this...Bruno had reached the point where he was having periods of lucidity, and periods where he would look at us, my wife and I...and Bear for that matter, and wouldn't recognize us. He would growl, or bark or even snap at us...Things that I had done hundreds of times prior, such as place his pillow down for him, scratch his ears, or even place his water dish down for him...drew a growl or sharp bark.
Last Monday, he nipped at my wife...I knew it wasn't his fault, this damn disease was eating him alive..I scolded him, lightly..my wife was OK..but I was worrying..
She told me he'd been fighting and snapping at Bear...I started to notice that he was having periods of staring...looking at me like he didn't know me...his ears would fold back..even his lips would curl...Then I'd speak to him..a little song I'd made up about his name..and he'd wag his tail...and it was Bruno.
Then Saturday night, I got his pillow and placed it down for him. Patted it..and he snapped at me. The way he looked..it wasn't Bruno. I said "NO!" Sharply...he backed down...I let him sniff my hand, his tail wagged, it was Bruno again.
I didn't sleep well.
Sunday morning...We were having coffee, I tried to feed him, he wouldn't eat..hadn't eaten all week....I scratched his ears, said its OK...eat when you can...my wife walked over to him, said "here Bruno, let me clean your eyes"...something she'd done a hundred times before...What happened next, wasn't Bruno..he bit my wife's hand..drew blood...
It wasn't Bruno...the look in his eyes..he didn't know who I was....fifteen minutes later, he was wagging his tail...like nothing happened...it was Bruno.
I helped my wife tend to her hand.
I had a decision to make.
The one I didn't want to.
But I had to think of my wife..what if he has a moment like this and I'm not here...or what if it does happen and he doesn't come back? how would I stop him then?
only way I know how...
On Sunday, March 25Th, I took my boy to the Vets....and did what I had to do...and I feel terrible about it.
It wasn't his fault. This damn disease was eating him alive...he weighed 82 pounds...in three months..he went from 139 pounds to 82! Most of that from December to January.
He went to sleep in my lap...he just went to sleep..and I held him and I cried. I cried because I was losing my boy..my friend, my Bruno....
Today, I received a sympathy card from the Veterinarian that helped me..I didn't expect that. It was very nice.
I still feel like shit..partly because my sinuses are acting up...but mostly because of what I did...I know what I did was the right thing..so everyone tells me...doesn't make me feel better..
Just something I'll have to deal with.
Goodbye Bruno.
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6 comments:
If it didn't affect you. If you didn't feel like crying, then I would think you *didn't* have a close relationship with your boy... or sometimes people have a way of dealing with loss.
I believe you Wolfie. Only someone who loved him could give Bruno the peace he deserved. Bruno deserves to feel *at home* and at peace - not suffering, not sick, not hungry. He's okay. I'll believe that for you. He's wagging his tail like the good ol' Bruno, only without the earthly body that had run it's course. His body gave out, it's a natural process. You did it out of love Wolfie.
Take it one day at a time. You'll never stop grieving. You ought to know that with your Mom. The hurt and pain just lessens with time.
That blog entry brought back some sad memories.
I can't imagine how painful it's like when someone you love can't recognize you.
It was a tough call. You did want him to suffer longer or become a different Bruno because you loved him. I'm sure he knows it too.
Like Annie said, take your time and don't be too hard on yourself.
I know that the only way we know each other is through the blog...but this means a lot to me.
honestly, I don't have anyone here to express this to...to some degree, not even my wife...not that she doesn't understand..just the way she is..not that she's unfeeling..just a bit more cut and dried..what can I say..she misses him, but in her own way..
thanks guys
I never owned a pet before but I felt sad reading about Bruno. You know, I think you did the right thing and it must had been a really tough decision. Hope u are dealing with it ok. Take care and hugs.
That's why I think blogging can be a new way of connecting with other human beings. It's impossible to meet everyone we need in our lives. Geographically, it's impossible. But we can connect in one way or another because we have one thing in common - we're human. There are some bloggers who may not understand your demise and your feelings and that's okay.
Reading your experience gives some of us an insight how death affects us differently. Like you said, your wife deals with it in her way. My husband is the same.
Thanks for reminding us life is short.
Sorry to hear about the loss of your boy wolfie. Never easy, but you did the right thing in the end. Bruno was suffering and you did the most loving thing you could do when you put him down. he is at peace now, be happy with that.
My condolences.
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